Hard times, stress, sadness, disappointment, frustration and grief come into all of our lives at one time or another (and another, and another….). “Into every life a little rain must fall.” But here’s the key: It is of dire importance to learn to walk right through and honestly process emotions that surface, rather than walk around them.
There are two temptations that exist around difficulties:
- The first is to let the trying circumstance and resulting emotion take over every part of life. The Trial becomes the lens through which we view the rest of life. Like a spider’s web, it can feel as though every other part of our lives – even the good parts – are drawn in and captured by it.
- The second is to pretend The Trial doesn’t exist. We bravely try to go through our days as if we haven’t been impacted.
I have seen both of these responses in clients. Though they are polar opposites of each other, both can paralyze a person’s growth if left unchecked.
There is a beautiful human and acclaimed author named Geneen Roth, who writes a lot about emotional eating. She’s written a book called Women, Food and God, wherein she discusses the concept of eating our emotions, rather than simply feeling them. Angry? Eat. Sad? Eat. Disappointed? Eat. Get the idea? Instead of dealing with something hard, we eat in an effort to soothe the pain.
I see this over and over. Food becomes a means of self-medicating so we don’t have to feel deep emotion.
But food is not the only means of avoiding feelings. Drugs, alcohol, shopping, porn, gambling, endless scrolling through social media… these are all examples of negative attempts at self-soothing.
What I’ve seen in clients and learned about myself is that if I don’t allow myself to “feel the feels;” that is, if I try to walk around the difficulty rather than right through it, I delay my growth and only make things worse.
Walking through a hard time means giving yourself permission to cry, to be sad, to feel disappointed. Grief is an important part of healing. And if we don’t allow ourselves this important step? The undealt-with emotion will pop up somewhere else. This is where the overeating, drugs, porn, gambling, scrolling, alcohol and shopping come in as we try to stuff the uncomfortableness deep down, where it can’t get to us (or so we think).
How do we honestly allow ourselves to feel those feelings in a constructive way? Here are a few ideas:
- cry. Yes, cry. A good cry is a tremendous stress-reliever. The tears produced from a strong onion are different in composition from tears produced from strong emotion. Crazy, right? You can read more about it here.
- write it out. Taking time to put your thoughts down on paper can be very helpful as you are forced to articulate what it is you’re experiencing. Ask and answer questions such as:
- How does this make me feel? Often times, the overriding emotion is fear. Try to identify your fears, naming them one by one. I recently did this and realized that I was emoting as though my worst fears were realized, when the reality yielded no evidence of such. Don’t borrow worries from something that may or may not exist in the future.
- How realistic is my worry? Is it likely that it will come to pass? Again, don’t borrow from another day’s worries.
- What solutions can I think of to get through this?
- Who can I talk with to help me through this?
- What can I learn through this experience?
- How can I turn around and help someone else going through something similar?
- realize that you can only control your attitude, effort, behavior and reactions. You cannot control the actions, feelings, opinions or mistakes of other people. And you can’t control unpredicted adversity. You can only control you.
All well and good. But don’t stay there, buried deep in your feelings.
Your body also needs to calm down from the physiological effects of stress, worry, and anxiety. Here are some ways to help:
- breathe. At the risk of sounding trite and trendy, breathing deeply and rhythmically really is one of the fastest ways to combat the effects that worry and anxiety can have on our bodies. It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which slows heart rate, lowers blood pressure, relaxes the gastrointestinal system, and helps return the body to a restful state.
- eat well. Cruddy food will do nothing, absolutely nothing to help your situation. Processed foods lead to depression (see here and here, or do your own Google search to reveal a gob of articles).
- exercise. I recently was upset about something or other, and my husband asked me to join him on a run. It was like magic. After the run, the issue still existed, but my perspective had changed and my mind and body were much clearer. I can’t emphasize enough the absolute importance of exercise.
- spend time in nature. The sights and sounds will help bring calm.
- get a massage. When we’re stressed, our bodies take it on. Muscles tighten (furrowed brow, clenched jaw, tight shoulders, upset tummy, etc.). Massage can bring relief to the tight spots.
- borrow a puppy. Or a young child. Enjoy the pure sweetness of these little creatures.
- laugh. I know I said to cry, earlier in this article. But laughing is a great way to reduce the stress response. Do a Google search for “funny pet videos” to get you started. Here’s one to get the ball rolling!
- take a nap. Don’t sleep all day, just take a nap. Sleep deprivation and irregular sleep cycles are very stressful on a body and mind. Take a nap to take the edge off. Here is an interesting article about impaired sleep.
- take a warm bath. Or read a book. Or listen to music. Or do whatever you know brings calm and well-being to you.
- feed yourself on truth. Review in your mind the things that are good in your life. Though this Trial feels big (and perhaps it truly is), it is not the whole of your life. “Count your blessings, name them one by one,” as the old song goes.
So yes, be brave and walk right through your emotions. Don’t try to go around them or they will manifest in some other way.
Give your body some relief from the stress, too.
Stop, take care of today. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
What about you?
What are some ways you help yourself during times of anxiety?